My life flashed before my eyes as the car hit a spin and went tumbling over the ditch to land on the roof. I don’t remember most of it but I remember thinking as a young adult “what will I tell my dad?” New experiences always tell us something about ourselves and our relationships. I knew my dad would be upset, concerned and just a little bit judgmental. I didn’t need to worry about how Jesus would react I knew that He was with me.
The word cancer loses all objectivity when it is you the Doctor is looking at. As I have reflected on this journey I became aware of some startling insights. Hearing the news was like being in suspended animation while a speeding bullet comes at you in slow motion but is none the less aimed straight at your head.
I want to be a woman of faith and believe that I do walk by faith but faith does not eliminate the need to process and to enter the valley of sorrow and loss. Sometimes the only faith we have is that if we explore our pain that the Spirit will heal and restore. It’s a beautiful thing when that happens. Nothing is changed except our hearts have been transformed.
I did wonder, given my old ways of being, if I was doing a “Pollyanna” with the cancer. Leaping to a place of faith and trust because that is how a Christian is supposed to respond to struggles in life. I have to say that I have found myself in this curious place of waiting. It has felt like I am neither going forward or backward, I just am. Am I in denial? Have I shut down? Is it faith?
All these questions have gone through my mind and I find myself in a place of mustard seed faith. I am resting in Him, held by Him in a way that I don’t need to do anything or worry about anything. It is a strange place in it’s completeness and serenity. Scripture tells us that He is our shield and our strength and I feel so transfused by his transcendence that I don’t know where He begins and I end. It all feels like me as I rest in Him.
Yah, the bullet is still there but as I rest in Him, He is equipping me for whatever comes my way.
May it be so with you.
In Quietness and Confidence is our Strength. Isaiah 30:15